UNLEARN SO YOU CAN LEARN by: Sharon Yasis-Kim

One day, one Filipina approached me. She said she was suffering from a very strict husband since the day she arrived here in Korea 6 months ago. She said that she could no longer live with that kind of man and wanted to run away. Aside from being strict, her husband is not also giving her money for her allowance. She asked for my help. However, I refused to the idea of running away, of course, because I do not know her situation. Instead, I asked in-formation about her and her husband thinking that I could give her other advice.

I know I could not give her the perfect solu-tion but I was hoping I could lessen her worries. Upon hearing her stories I recalled my own hardships in Korea. Based on what I experienced, I shared to her the strategy that I used to make my husband better in treating me. 

I told the Filipina not to run away since Korean husbands are kind. I asked her what kind of Korean food she can cook. She told me that she has been here for only less than a year so she cannot cook any Korean food for her hus-band. So, I told her that when you start cooking Korean food and give it to your husband, he will surely love you more. And about the money, I told her not to expect him to give her money, instead try to save money so her husband will know that she can take care of money well. It is a strategy that I think will make her husband trust her more when it comes to money. I wanted to talk to her more but I did not have enough time so I gave her my number. It was a simple advice in a short conversation.

After a week, I received a message from her. She told me that her husband bought her favor-ite food and she was thankful for my advice. She said that she learned how to cook Kimchi Stew and she told me that my advice worked well because when she started preparing Korean food, her husband really became nicer. I smiled after reading the message. We are not so close but until now we exchange messages, she told me that in these days; she is receiving more money from her husband as allowance and sometimes sends some for her family in the Philippines. I was not aware that my playful advice will do such wonder. That time, I just wanted to share with her my experiences as a Korean spouse here in Korea.

I suggest for those newly-married Korean spouse to be ready to embrace the culture before doing anything they want here in Korea. UNLEARN SO YOU CAN LEARN. Do not expect that what you learn in the Philippines are the same here in Korea. Do not expect that our Filipino culture is applicable in this country.
You will be totally stressed if you insist to do the Philippine way. Of course, our identity as a Filipino is important but not DURING THE LEARNING PROCESS for KOREAN SPOUSE. Of course, if you can do both culture while in Korea, that will be better. But, we know that most Korean men who get Korean spouse from other countries are not ―so young anymore. They have a conservative view about everything including the role of their wife.

I agree that most of the problems are rooted in the culture. But culture cannot be taught. It should be experienced and learned.

 

Some Filipinas expect that life here will be more enjoyable than in the Philippines. In our culture, women are respected as woman and mothers. In Korea, everyone has a role in the society. And the role of women here is to take care of the husband and the children. So if you expect to earn money to send to family in the Philippines, please do not do this immediately after arriving or at the early stage of marriage. Korean men are
naturally kind. If you are tak-ing care of your husband, he will surely do the same to you and extend it to your family in the Philippines.

 

Adjustment should be on the early stage so we (I include myself) can adapt easily. When asked about the specific adjustment to make, the first thing that comes to my mind is the food. Appreciate Korean food and learn how to make it. Preparing food for your husband will affect your Korean husband‘s attitude. I observed this from a Filipina who has been mar-ried for almost 20 years in Korea. She is living quietly and happily with her son and husband. After seeing that, I decided to prepare Korean food as one of the ways to show my love and care to my husband too. I noticed that when I started to learn and prepare Korean food, he became more kind to me. (^^kinder than be-fore).

 

I hope some Filipinas will reflect on how they treat their husband. I know that some Korean husbands are hard to deal with but I am also aware that most women do not consider thinking what might be their fault. If you are caring and kind to your husband, you can get the same treatment from him. It goes to other relationships. LUKE 6:31, ―Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. It is the Golden Rule, isn‘t it?

I thank SAMBAYANAN for the space they give to let people know stories about happily married Filipinas.
Stories of abuses and heart-breaks between Filipinas and their Korean husbands are all exposed in the media. It hurts the image of other Filipinas here in Korea who are happily married. While true reports of abuse should be reported, success stories should also receive the same amount of exposure particularly between Filipina and Korean husband. Most Koreans do not know that most successful marriages (intercultural marriages in Korea) are between Korean men and Filipina.